I’m in Rehab…

Yes, today I realised that I am in Rehab. It all started because for months now I’ve been doing daily exercises to rehabilitate my left shoulder. I injured the rotator cuff and couldn’t lift my arm above shoulder height at Christmas. I’ve been feeling angry and resentful about  yet another “thing” to heal, to fix, to deal with in my life.  My epiphany today was that I am in rehab all ’round. My entire life is in rehab.

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I’m in rehab for my body, rehab for my heart, rehab for my soul. I am in going through a process of rehabilitation. This was a shock to realise and to face. But it is true.

Whilst I was very ill last April – July, I lost over 25% of my body mass, including fat, tissue and muscle. My body has needed to grow that back and it has done it differently. My muscle tone and mass is not the same as before and my body needs physical rehabilitation to build it back. I need to do gentle exercises, be in the sunshine 20 minutes per day to renew my Vitamin D3 stores and ensure Vitamin c and Calcium are properly absorbed now.  My deeper feelings of inadequacy have surfaced with not having the type of body I once had and I am needing to be honest with myself about my feelings, rather than criticise myself. This is new for me. For example, my first impulse is to look at my lack of muscle tone and say to myself “you’re flabby and unattractive, you look old and ugly now and you’d better do something about it!”. Then I would crack the proverbial emotional whip and force myself into some tough exercise regime to fix my perceived inadequacies and make myself feel better. I caught myself out doing this, and heard the criticism. I realised that I could do this differently. I could simple feel the truth without the criticism. The truth that I don’t like how I look, I don’t like how I feel about myself inside and I can actually feel that without being mean to me mentally or by a silent verbal assault. This mental pattern; this emotional assault needs to be rehabilitated. It isn’t the truth, it is damaging and harmful to myself. My self-image is in rehab.

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My heart is in rehab. Image Since the cancer my heart has been in rehab. I’ve been releasing my sadness at how I treated every single person in my life I say I love. I have telephone old husbands, contacted old friends and healed rifts with current family. In my quest for “the Truth”, I judged more harshly, loved less, separated myself more. My heart is healing.

Since moved in with my father-in-law, mother-in-law and sister-in-law my heart has been healing toward them, for all the hurt and harm my historical actions have caused them. I have seen my effect on them and my heart deeply hurt for it, I grieved, felt repentant and deep remorse. My heart rehab will probably continue for the remainder of my life, but I need to do this to heal, to feel more whole, to come to love and accept myself and cease hurting those I purport to love.

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My soul is in rehab.

What I am not is being rehabilitated. I am not a spiritually superior person, I am not only good, I am flawed, imperfect, angy, self-critical, judgemental, with heavy silent expectations that others be as I decide they should be. And, I am kind, caring, considerate and generous too. The Dark and the Light exist within me. Being real with myself is the rehab. I am rehabilitating myself back to life. But, I am not alone. Thanks to the love and guidance of God, the love and care of my family, friends, psychologist and some strangers, I’m in the spin-dryer of life.

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You know, for the first time in my life, this feels good. Yes, painful at times as I hate feeling anger and there’s lots to let out. Anger hides fears, anger hides sadness, anger hides feelings of being out of control, feelings of being controlling, feelings of helplessness. The anger I let out is my teacher, because there is something to learn underneath it about myself…and I heal more, faster, feel better when i am completely honest and claim and name my real feelings. Brene Brown said “what do don’t claim claims you”.

I am in rehab for too much seriousness. My soul needs me to relinquish the guilt. Making time for what I love to do is not easy. Making fun stuff, playful things, a priority is hard work for me! I value work, busyness, productivity. I didn’t occur to me until recently that productivity includes – rest, making nutritious food and juices, healing my body, cuddling my partner, playing with our son and… singing, dancing, creating in some crafty way. My emotional redefinition is evolving.

I am in rehab. I may not be in a clinic, with a sign around my neck or in restraints. My damage may be invisible to some, visible to others, but rehab is where I need to be. Pretty soon I’m going into surgery for a stoma reversal operation. 5 hours of surgery, it is a major job and I feel scared. But I want the end result – a reconnected colon, a functional bum. There will be more rehab…

I guess to grow in love there is something about all of us that could do with some rehab?!

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and…www.ecotoyskids.com, great eco toys games  and books for children. Kinder to our kids;kinder to the planet ….and helping my juice my way to wellness!

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